In a Recent Survey

...over ninety percent of non-human primates surveyed say they do not believe in evolution. Most seem deeply offended at the idea that they might share a common ancestor with humans. “Aren’t they the ones that nearly wiped out the mountain gorillas?” asked one, an orangutan from western Kenya, his or her name name withheld by request. “I mean, if these humans had any ape-sense at all, they’d never do something like that.”

The survey, greatly facilitated by recent advances in inter-species communication, is the first of its kind, “a much-touted and highly-anticipated glimpse into the non-human mind”, says Seymore “Shaggy” Johnson, chief of research and surveys for the South Harvey Institute of Technocracy.

“Almost all of the apes we spoke with”, says Johnson, “seemed really uncomfortable with the suggestion that humans might be their distant relatives.” The ape/human conversations took place through a series of specially-designed keyboards and monitors, recently dubbed “the monkey internet”. For an article on how it works click here

“Even if they were related to me”, explained one bonobo, “I wouldn’t be inviting any of them to any of my holiday parties. You just can’t trust them not to pull out one of those fire-sticks and start making your friends die.” One chimpanzee, uncharacteristically forthcoming after being bribed with a large number of Western-style bananas, summed it up this way: “When you look into their (humans) eyes, you can sense some intelligence there and you might be tempted to act in a friendly way toward them, but you really don’t want to drop your guard around a human. I mean some of them are kind of cute, but I wouldn’t want my daughter to mate with one.”

Unlike the way some humans form opinions, apes rarely if ever cite religious writings as a basis for their worldview. The greater and lesser apes simply do not want to associate themselves with what they see as “such a vicious, barbaric race” as humanity.

Many take a rather more self-conscious view of human/ape relations. One asked “when was the last time a primate had a serious role in a human movie? Never, that’s when. They always put us in comedy roles, always laughing at us.”

In another, unrelated survey, most apes like Coke better than Pepsi.